Last night, I dreamed I updated my status on Facebook. It was a smart-alecky one about taking the road less traveled. With due apologies to Senor Frost, I had quipped about it being less travelled only because it was a one-way street and I was headed the wrong way in.

A couple of hours later, I woke up in a sweat, all terrified and on the verge of screaming. My dream had turned into a nightmare. Not one of my fifteen hundred friends had Liked my status. Not one smartass had commented on navigationally challenged women drivers and their inability to read traffic signs. My carefully crafted witty one-liner had been largely ignored. Clearly, no one Liked me any more. I was in social media hell, my reputation slowly crisping into activated carbon.

If that makes your sudiferous cells break out in a shimmy of activity, you’re not alone. There are nearly seven hundred million other people who share your apprehensions. Perhaps sooner rather than later, we’ll have a whole series of Facebook neuroses cropping up.

1. Friendus Maniacus

This may well be the most basic psychological condition resulting from excessive Facebook usage. In this, the afflicted person is obsessed with befriending anyone and everyone he or she meets, especially strangers. In extreme cases, the sufferer tries to run away from neighborhoods where he is known, to improve the probability of meeting unknown people. In fact, strangers are often used as live bait to try and locate missing patients who are known to fly the coop at the sight of a loved one.

2. Searchus Victimus

The primary symptom is an obsession with newer and newer search engines. Bing This, Yahoo That are among the commoner strains but lesser-known varieties such as DuckDuckGo Now! and Teoma It this Minute, can cause long-drawn, severe nervous disorders. The victim is obsessed with finding the latest compendium of quotes in order to generate witty one-liners for Facebook statuses.

3. Schizophrenia Wonderosa

A syndrome afflicting those with more than one account on Facebook. This results in the patients losing track of who they really are. The symptoms are confusion, more confusion and even more confusion. The afflicted constantly agonize over which Facebook account can be accessed with which password; they keep logging in, trying out new passwords each time, and eventually lose access because of Facebook’s security features. This makes them even more confused and aggravates the disease.

4. Imageivitis Stunningus

A particularly virulent strain of cerebral influenza, which gives the sufferer a high fever accompanied by a constant desire to be photographed in different costumes and different locations. The constant popping of flash bulbs brings down the fever but any cessation of this treatment immediately results in a spike in body temperature.

5. Likus Buttonus Mnemosis

This unusual ailment’s major symptom mainly consists of screaming fits where the patient imagines a serial killer wearing a Facebook Like icon facemask stalking them, with intent to kill. Eventually, the sufferer is reduced to hiding in broom closets, modular kitchen cabinets and garden sheds, far away from laptops, PCs, mobile phones, smartphones and tablets.

In case, some of you recognize yourselves in the descriptions given above, do not despair. Chances are, it will soon be considered normal to develop these syndromes and a sign of superior evolution.

Image by Lara604 via Flickr (cc)
Beware of the 5 Facebook diseases

About Kaanchan Bugga

Kaanchan is the editor-in-chief of wwwireframe. She’s like the force; has a light side, a dark side, and holds the universe together on most days.